A social media friend commented that people who wrote blogs wrote such self-centered, inane rubbish and this got me thinking.  Firstly, why read the blogs then, if that’s the way you feel?  I read and follow blogs I enjoy and blogs which interest me, if the content upset or irritated me, then I wouldn’t read it.  If someone doesn’t like what I write, that’s okay, that’s their opinion and I am not doing it for them.  People write blogs for many reasons, and for some they earn an income from it. 

If I was talented, I would write a book, but I’m not.  I don’t write my blog because I think that I’m writing a masterpiece, or that people will love it, or that it fits anyone’s idea of literary acceptability. I write my blog because it is cathartic.  For me, it helps writing down what has happened rather than burdening my friends with this, and also having to deal with their reactions: I spend a lot of time making others feel better about my cancer.  It is therapeutic to scream into the void, and to acknowledge that sometimes life is shit.  To spend the entire time pretending it isn’t, doesn’t achieve anything.

What works for one person, doesn’t necessarily work for someone else.  That’s okay.  Someone wrote “Sometimes we heal in public so the ones doing it in private can keep going”.  Hell, yes!  There are many accounts of people’s experience of cancer and cancer treatments.  Cancer charities often post these accounts, but for the most part they are “sanitised” and generally not much detail is given, the overall “experience” being not too bad.  Not everyone’s experience is the same however. I read all these.  I want as much information as possible.  But when these experiences don’t match my own, I start to wonder where I have gone wrong, am I doing something wrong, has something gone wrong, why is it I’m so sick still…….until I discovered – away from these charities – people’s personal accounts.  Honest, raw information.  I knew then I was not alone, I was not doing anything wrong, that what is happening to me is, in fact, incredibly common.  What a relief. 

There is nothing wrong at all with being upbeat and positive, but there is such a thing as toxic positivity and that helps absolutely no-one.  Don’t misunderstand, charities do amazing work, but one size doesn’t fit all.  And for me, being able to read open and honest accounts of what people are going through has helped me feel less alone, has helped me understand that it is actually very common in spite of it not being mentioned by my cancer care team, or in certain forums.  If someone read my account and it helped them realise they were not alone, that these things happen, then that can only be a good thing.  But, for myself, just to be able to write it, and say, yes, that was bloody awful, and I’m still struggling with the post-chemo damage, it is therapeutic. 

This week I had my meeting with my oncologist for my first set of scan and blood test results.  It was upsetting, frustrating and stressful. I won’t go into details, because although all I do on this blog is rant, at the moment I need some time to order the thoughts in my head before I put fingers to keyboard.

What I would like to do however is mention Chris Lewis’s blog.  I came across this via a post on Twitter and, at such an opportune time.  This particular post was about the way we respond when someone asks, how it’s so often easier just to say “I’m fine”. Chris also published a poem a friend of his had written for him, and, for me, it just resonated.  In “real life” I prefer to say I’m fine.  Please give his blog a read.

Are there any other blogs which you have found useful or particularly helpful?

And now the hospital has lost my scans. Scans from 6 weeks ago. Scan which were brought forward along with my other tests because I called my key worker about some issues that had cropped up, which I was concerned about.

As a result, my appointment with my oncologist has been delayed. I am beyond stressed and upset.

I seem to hit a point every few weeks where I feel really emotional. I mean REALLY emotional. I cry at everything. Ah well, go with the flow…..

My gripe this week? People. Everyone except my hardcore three supporters has now vanished. My faithful three are there every day, or every few days, checking in on me and making me know I am loved. The rest – friends, family, acquaintances – gone. I guess they feel they’ve done their duty. I make contact with friends, and they are busy, or distracted, or not available. The cherry on the cake? K told me “I don’t need to ask how you are, I read your blog instead”. Thanks, pal. This makes me sad. All I want if you are my friend, just be my friend, behave normally, tell me about yourself, your life, don’t close off the conversation once you’ve asked how I am, we are all equally important no matter what is happening in our lives, I am still the same person I was before.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton